I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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