the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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