i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
