Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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