Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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