roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
