like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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