you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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