three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
