Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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