My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
