youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
