i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize