I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
