new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
