remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Screwed.edu
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
