At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
