Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
