is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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