there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
