would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
