I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm just crazy horny about you
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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