R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
