i just sent this text using only my big toe
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
