Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
