I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize