Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
