you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
