So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
