Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
