Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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