Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize