a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
God, I missed his penis.
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