I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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