Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
