Got a toothbrush?
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
