Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you traded sex for a burrito?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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