You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
