wanna go halves on a baby?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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