What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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