"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
