I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
did i walk over a car last night?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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