The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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