dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
