just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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