We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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