he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
