the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
