i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
