ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i came on her dog
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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