Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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