I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize