if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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