4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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