if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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