My hand turned me down
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
